Self-Care is the new mental health buzz word. How are you at self-care? Are you doing your self-care? What are you doing for your self-care? Likely you have heard someone say this or you have said this yourself. But what does it all mean? And how do we do it?
What is Self-Care?
So what does self-care mean? Well, the first point is that it is more than going for a walk in the park or getting a mani/pedi, though it can include that. In my mind, self-care encompasses anything we do that focuses on what we need to feel well physically, mentally, and spiritually. For many people, this starts to feel complicated because of that loaded word selfish. If we are talking too much time for ourselves, we are being selfish, when so many other people and things need our attention. However, when we do not take time for ourselves, we can find ourselves struggling in other ways.
Why is it important?
When I was first married to my husband, we took our newly blended family on a trip. My own daughters and I had been on a plane many times. However, it was the first time on a plane for most of my stepchildren. I was sitting on the row with one of my daughters and my stepdaughter. Many of us hear the adage to put on our own airplane mask before we help others. When the safety demonstration came on and these instructions were given, my stepdaughter actually asked “why? Shouldn’t you do the kids first?!” and several strangers looked at me and chuckled. Suddenly I felt many eyes on me and I had to figure out how to explain this concept I had heard and said so many times. I turned to her and said “Listen, it is really important that I can make sure you breathe. I cannot do that if I can’t breathe. That’s why I put my mask on first.” That seemed to ease her mind. I think about that day a lot. Am I making sure that I can theoretically breathe? Even though I am a therapist, I admit that many times I am forgetting to put on my own mask, and then I am coming to work or busy with my family at home when I am stuck without my own oxygen.
How can we do it?
We cannot practice good self-care if we do not really know ourselves. Once I had a client come in concerned about their health. They told me they had changed up their eating habits and were really trying but kept failing. I asked what they were doing and they explained a strict diet of fish and kale. I asked them if they liked fish and kale and they said no. How can you succeed if you are eating things you do not like? My doctors have told me over and over that exercise is good for me. I had one doctor suggest running in the morning before work. I don’t particularly love running anymore, and I truly hate mornings. I know this would not be a good self-care practice for me. However, I adore water. I love evenings. So a nighttime water aerobics class is an excellent self-care option. Some people thrive by connecting with others for a night out with friends. Others need the self-care that comes from quiet solitude. What is truly important about developing self-care is understanding that it is an individualized approach. The way that you do your own self-care may be very different from your friends, your partner, your family. There is no one path, no right way to do this.
Who has time for that?
Time is the biggest challenge to self-care. Most of us have so many responsibilities between work, home, school if we have that, and other issues in our lives that self-care becomes the last on the never-ending list. And then if you add on in the cost that might be associated with self-care, people begin to feel like this is a luxury for some that may never be in the cards for them. Believe me, the best self-care for me would be a 21-day luxury cruise, but that is not likely to happen any time soon. I encourage you and me to look into free and small levels of self-care. If I could, I would be at the ocean every day, but I cannot. So, I have found other things, like ocean sounds in a bath, or even better, taking a walk by the Ogden River and putting my feet in it, which is free. As much as I hate to admit it as someone who is not good at exercising, going for a five-minute walk really is enough for the mental health benefit of self-care. We do not need to spend hours or hundreds of dollars. I love animals so if I pet a cat or see a picture of a dog, that lifts my spirits. I find a lot of joy in coloring a picture or finding something that makes me laugh. Again, remembering that taking care of myself does not have to cost money is very important, because sometimes spending money is part of the stress.
I also do try to look at cost versus benefits. If giving myself a little bit of time is going to help me feel better, it may be worth the benefit. There have been different times in my life when I have been lucky enough to invest a little more money in self-care, and go to a pool, or a massage, and have been able to see how that has made my life and health better.
Proven Benefits
One of the most well-known benefits of self-care is reduced stress and anxiety. Living in Utah, we have great access to nature. I live close to Ogden and if I go up to Ogden canyon and admire the river and the waterfalls, I come back feeling rejuvenated. Some people feel the same after a run or a nap or dinner with a friend. Other benefits can be improved self-esteem, especially when working on a skill, improved moods, and improved resilience. There are so many ways in which self-care can be what we need and a great addition to our mental health care protocol.
Dealing with Shame
How do you deal with the shame that comes from taking time for yourself? Like that day on the airplane, it is important to remember that self-care really does help more than just you. It is no secret that when we are well rested, taken care of, and feeling better about ourselves, we are able to function better. Self-care can also be seen as preventative care. When we pay attention to our own cues in our mind and body, checking to see if we are managing our needs, we will be less likely to have major needs later. This is not to say that it is not ok to seek out that help when we do need that major help. There should not be shame in seeking out any mental health care, big or small. In my practice, though, I have seen that this shame that comes from people feeling like they are selfish for taking the time for self-care end up with more stress and burnout.
In Summary
Self-care is an integral part of taking care of our physical and mental health. It is not selfish in any way. It has many proven benefits, and can provide long term results even if we only do a little. Self-care looks different for everyone, and you do not need to mirror your self-care like anyone else. You matter, and making sure that you find ways to acknowledge that for yourself, big and small, will help you on your mental health journey. If you feel like you need guidance learning how to be better at self-care, one of our therapists would be more than happy to be of assistance.