Dealing with Grief and Loss

Hello, my name is Karen Talbot, and I am a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW). With the holidays just around the corner, I wanted to share my personal thoughts on dealing with grief and loss. 

Grief and loss come in diverse ways. For some of us grief and loss come with the death of a loved one. For others it is the death of a beloved pet. Others may have grief and loss from aging and long-term illnesses. Still others’ grief and loss come from divorce or failed relationships.

For me, grief and loss came on October 29, 2009, when my beloved husband, Tharan Talbot, passed away from complications from Amyloidosis and Tetralogy of Fallot. 

I still remember the day when my beloved companion passed away. I was heart broken and grief struck. What made it harder was the fact he passed away two days before my 40th birthday and right before the holiday season. I was in shock. I felt numb. It was as if a part of my own body or heart had died as well. I was not sure how I could go on. 

I will admit at first, I did not cope very well. I threw myself into work after his death. I became a workaholic. I put my focus on other things, so I would not have to deal with my emotions. I stayed in my logical mind. 

Shortly after the death of my beloved companion and husband, I experience the loss of Tessa, our beloved boxer dog, my husband had given me for Christmas, to cancer. While it was hard to see her go, I drew comfort in the thought that our beloved dog had gone to be with my husband in heaven. 

Stages of Grief and Loss

According to Küber-Ross, those experiencing grief and loss go through five emotional stages:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Since then, her approach has been expanded by others to include two more stages: shock and processing grief. I can say from personal experience, I agree with expanding the stages to seven stages. 

1. Shock: When Tharan passed away, I went through the shock. I was numb and in a mental fog. It is hard for me to recall the specifics about his funeral or burial because of the numb mental fog I was in. This stage lasted for about two to three weeks for me. 
2. Denial: I was in the denial stage while I was in the shock stage. I did not want to accept his death. It was hard for me to talk about his death. I did not want to acknowledge his death or accept it. 
3. Bargaining: I went through the bargaining stage prior to my husband’s death. I would bargain with God that if He would heal Tharan, I would be a better person. I would try to make deals with God for Tharan’s life to be prolonged on earth. I would give God my justifications and reasons for Tharan to stay on earth. 
4. Anger: I went through a time of being angry at God and life after Tharan’s death. I yelled at God. I screamed at God. I let Him know how much He hurt me by not healing my husband. I even stopped talking to God for a while because of my anger toward Him. I call this my temper tantrum period of grief and loss. I was also angry at myself. I blamed myself for his death since I found out right before he died, I had double pneumonia and had gotten Tharan sick after chemo. I had an anger inside of me toward God and myself.
5. Depression: I went through a period of serious depression. I struggled with the thoughts of wanting to go and be with Tharan. I felt alone and abandoned by Tharan and God. I had thoughts of wanting to die. This period was the scariest for me in my grief loss journey.   I sought help by talking to friends, finding a therapist, and talking with my doctor. I found out my Vitamin D was critically low which was adding to my depression. Taking prescription strength Vitamin D really helped. 
6. Acceptance: I gradually came to terms with the fact that Tharan had passed away and was not going to be coming back. I learned to apply the radical acceptance skill and altered the way I thought about his death. I came to realize I did not cause his death. It was not my fault.  I learned to face my new reality as an individual. 
7. Processing Grief: I worked to process the grief I felt by working on my husband’s life story and writing our story together. I also put together a PowerPoint of pictures of him which I shared with my family.  I wrote out my feelings by writing letters to him. I journaled my thoughts and feelings. I took up a new hobby and started to paint.  I joined a gym and started working out to let out my anger and other emotions. 

The one thing I found was that I did not move through the stages of grief and loss in a linear fashion. I would move through the different emotions and various stages within one day’s time or within a month’s time or a year’s time. I would go from acceptance back to denial and anger and back to acceptance. I would think I was past grieving and something would bring my emotions back to the surface. 

The saying goes “Time Heals All Wounds”. I would say time does not heal all wounds, but it does give you the opportunity to process your wounds, in my case, grief and loss. Time has been a friend to me. Time has given me the chance to view things from a different perspective, to learn new coping strategies, and to grow from my experience. 

Coping with Grief and Loss

I am coping much better with my grief and loss. I can reflect on his life and our time together without feeling sad or loss now. Instead, I feel gratitude and hope. I feel grateful for the time we had together and for our love we share. 

I still have times which I find hard. These are specific dates: our anniversary, his birthday, the anniversary of his death, my birthday, and the holidays. I have learned diverse ways to deal with grief and loss at these times. I thought I would share some of them with you. 

Dealing with Grief and Loss on the Hard Days and Holidays

1. Make Plans: I have found I do better when I have set plans of places to go and people to visit during the holiday season. 
2. Allow time for reflections on past relationships: I love to use the RAIN skill:     
   • Recognize my emotions.
   • Allow myself to feel my emotions without judging myself.
   • Investigate the reason behind the emotions.
   • Nurture myself with what I need at the time. 
3. Journal: Write about memories with my loved one and about what I am currently doing in my life. 
4. Write a letter to my departed husband to express my love and feelings to him. 
5. Work on family history and putting together a scrapbook of pictures of my loved one. 
6. Make phone calls: Call my parents, my in-laws, my siblings, and other friends to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas. 
7. Write out a list of things for which I am grateful. I especially like to do this one at Thanksgiving time.
8. Help serve Thanksgiving dinner to those in need. 
9. Paint-I love to paint landscape paintings and give them away as Christmas presents. 
10. Visit Tharan’s gravesite and put flowers on his grave. I usually do this one on our anniversary. 
11. Watch a good Christmas movie with friends or family. 
12. Read the Christmas Nativity Story. My family loves to reenact this story with all my nieces and nephews. 
13. Christmas caroling with my brother’s family. I love homemade donuts and hot chocolate bar.
14. Write a Christmas/New Years letter to send to friends and family. Either through social media, email or regular mail. 
15. Send out Christmas cards.
16. Fondue Party with family for New Years.
17. Game nights with friends.
18. Put a 2000-piece puzzle together.
19. Read an enjoyable book.
20. Listen to Christmas music.
21. Be a secret Santa for someone else. 

I have learned to create new traditions for myself as an individual. I have embraced my new motto, “Live life to the fullest. Remember the Past. Embrace the Future.” I have learned by putting my focus on the reason for the season I can find joy again. 

My experience is unique to me, just as your experience is unique to you. My hope is by sharing the things I have gone through and learned, you can pull from my experience to help you in your personal journey through grief and loss.