I am only here because he/she made me come. I do not think we need counseling. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that sentence, well, I would have a lot of dollars. And it makes sense. It is difficult and vulnerable to go to marriage counseling. Sharing your story with a stranger, talking about the fights you are having, the intimate details of your relationship, all of that can be stressful at minimum, and even bring a risk of making things worse. So, does marriage counseling even work? It is a good question, and one that takes is more complicated than a simple yes or no answer.
I did my due diligence, and checked the scientific journals which showed that couples who went to counseling did have a statistical higher likelihood of reporting better outcomes in their marriage than those who did not. Yet, when I was in my PhD program, I had a textbook that was called “How to Lie with Statistics” (it’s a great book!) so whenever I see these reports, I think “yes, well does this mean the counseling is working or are the couples who go to counseling more likely to work on fixing their issues?
The answer is likely all of the above, and some other factors as well that contribute to whether couples counseling will help. So, what are some of the factors that will make couples therapy a successful endeavor for you and your partner? How can you ensure that you have a good experience, and that you are prepared for the process.
One of the factors that is vital to having a good experience in couples counseling is motivation in both parties. Going back to the first line of this article, I am only here because he/she made me come. When someone is not motivated to be a part of the process, the chances of success in the process is a lot more difficult than if everyone comes to the process ready to work. When a person is in individual therapy, they only have to worry about themselves and their personal changes. Couples therapy includes so much more. If only one person is committed to change, it becomes nearly impossible to see results. Additionally, if one or both of the members are coming to the counseling process to try and fight or make a case for why they are right and the other is wrong, this can also cause the counseling process to not be successful. Couples counseling is about effective communication, compromise, and learning to adjust to one another, not about proving one is better than another.
Another factor in couples counseling is how soon in the process the issues are addressed. Many couples wait until the crisis has reached a boiling point. Most couples come to a therapist because they are considering divorce or have already moved away from each other. If couples choose to work together early on in their relationship, especially those who choose premarital counseling or counseling to gain better communication skills, tend to have far better outcomes than those who only seek assistance for major crisis. This is not to say that effective counseling and counselors cannot help in crisis. It is just a bigger challenge than those who start early, just as it is easier to treat an early health condition rather than a heart attack.
A very important point in all of this is that therapy is generally not effective in situations when there is abuse involved. Some people who have been in abusive relationships have felt a sense of shame for choosing to leave, and have even felt judged by others for not having tried counseling or not tried hard enough. It is vital to not shame abuse survivors, and to understand the nuances that exist within abusive relationships. Sometimes abusers are charming and can fool many, including therapists. Safety and security is important within a relationship, and if a client does not feel safe, it is ok to support their desire to not continue in a couples counseling situation.
Learning how to communicate effectively with a partner is not a simple task. Many people find that the way their family of origin communicated is very different than that of their partners. Some people get accused of being loud or even yelling, when the other does not think they are doing anything but talking. Others may think they are in a joyful debate while others think that it is painful criticism. Successful couples counseling can happen when both parties are willing to accept that they may need to change some of their practices. People may have to look at how they do things and adjust to help each other be comfortable.
Couples counseling takes work outside of the session. Some of the “homework” can be fun, taking the time to date one another. Some of it may not be as fun, taking the time to reflect on your own behavior and communication style. If you have decided to take the time to meet with or even consider a couples counselor, it likely means that there are things within your relationship that do not feel as comfortable as you would like them to be. Trying to find ways to have your relationship be more satisfactory takes work and dedication. It will not happen by only talking to your therapist. It takes more work than individual therapy.
Other issues that can impact the effectiveness of couples counseling are things like time and money. Many people find that their insurance may not cover couples counseling, and the cost of couples counseling is a lot for their family situation. The time commitment and finding a counselor that can work with their work schedules may be problematic. Also finding a counselor that fits with a couples world view can be difficult. All of these things can be overcome with a little research, but it does take time and commitment. Coming back to the main point of the whole article, which is that couples counseling is not a simple task.
While it is a lot of work to do couples counseling, when we have chosen to be in a committed relationship, the hard work is worth the time and effort. It is wonderful to be in a supportive, strong relationship. Doing so is not easy, but it is possible. Learning how to balance the challenges and build the beauty is the best part of couples counseling. As a counselor who truly enjoys working with a variety of relationships, seeing dedicated couples find their way back to strength and support is an honor and a privilege. If you are looking for some assistance in this, contact us at the Counseling Center, and we will match you with one of our many skilled couples counselors.
