After the wedding bells have stopped, the gifts are no longer coming, and the honeymoon phase is over, the real part of marriage begins. For many people, the difficulties of marriage are unexpected. We spend a lot of time watching movies, reading books, or learning from any number of sources about how or why marriage should be the best time of our lives. So what should we do if it is not all romance and roses? What if our partner brings up the dreaded word of counseling or even worse, separation? Would counseling even help? Let’s break it down a little.
Who is marriage counseling for?
Who should get marriage counseling? This is a question I get a lot. The first thing I would say is that the phrase “marriage counseling” is outdated. I prefer to say relationship counseling. Not everyone chooses to get married. Not everyone is able to get married for one reason or another. And to be honest, not all relationships that need counseling are romantic in nature. However, for the purposes of this article we will focus on romantic relationships. And all romantic relationships have times when they could benefit from therapy. The next part of who is when? Because there is a stigma with therapy in general, this extends to relationship counseling. Sometimes people will feel like seeking relationship counseling is a sign of weakness. They may also feel like they cannot share their relationship secrets with a stranger. When I am questioned, I always recommend premarital counseling as well as counseling before a big relationship change, such as moving in together, deciding to have a child, making a major move, or other big life decisions. Again, this is often faced with the stigma of “nothing is wrong with us, why would we seek counseling?” Just as we see the doctor to make sure we are physically healthy, we will be more likely to keep our relationships healthy if we do check-ins to make sure we have an effective understanding and strong foundation for our relationship. The movies and romance stories make it seem like love is simple, but love and life tend to be a lot more complicated.
If we sense there are problems within our relationships, then counseling can also be indicated. If it is just the beginning of a problem, that may be one of the best times to reach out for counseling. I read an interesting and sad point once that the average person will seek help within about 7 minutes of the start of a heart attack, but not for 7 years after the sign of mental illness or relationship problems. While I would not say it is too late when there are 7 years of problems built up, it certainly is more simple and beneficial the earlier we get started.
Success rates
Some sources report that 70-75% of people who participate in relationship counseling report improvement. Whenever I report statistics, I think of one of my favorite textbooks in college, How to Lie with Statistics. Relationship Counseling, just like any counseling, takes a lot of work. There are several things that people can do to improve their experience in the counseling environment and be a part of that 75%. Here are a few:
- Commitment: The first and most important is to be committed to the process. As a counselor, I often see partnerships where one partner is skeptical, and is only coming in to appease the other, and is doubtful of the process. Without commitment from both parties, the chances of a successful outcome are much less likely.
- Communication: Communication tends to be one of the biggest challenges within a relationship, and within the counseling setting, the more willing you are to communicate with each other and with the therapist, the more likely you will be to have a positive outcome. Whenever I hear one person say ‘He/She/They made me come’ and that attitude remains, I know we will not be very successful. Success happens when couples choose to work together.
- Therapeutic Approach: The next thing to consider is the therapeutic approach, and if you connect well with that approach. Many therapists, like myself, are trained in a few different styles and can work with you as a couple to figure out what is going to work best for you. However, this goes back to the point of communication, and needing to be sure to tell each other, and your therapist what you need and want from the counseling experience. If you feel like you are just not connecting with your therapist, it is ok to request or seek for a new one. It is essential to find the right fit in therapy.
- Early Intervention: Another important part in relationship counseling is something I already alluded to, which is early intervention. The sooner you get started on working together to build your relationship, the more likely you will have a successful outcome.
- Pursuing Your Own Therapy: Finally, if the people in the relationship are willing to work on their own challenges within individual therapy, they are more likely to be successful within the relationship counseling realm.
What to expect
One of the first things I tell people to expect in relationship counseling is work. Relationship counseling takes a lot more than the hour spent with the therapist. You will likely be given individual and couples homework assignments. You may be asked to study books, videos, beliefs, family patterns, or other situations that may be contributing to the challenges in your relationship. You will likely be working to dig into what the root cause of some of your issues are, and you will also be setting goals, working on changes that need to be made, and evaluating you progress. Some assignments may be fun, like going on dates. Some may be emotional and painful. You may each spend time individually with the therapist, or you may always be together. The therapist will be doing all that they can to understand how your relationship works. The better they understand your relationship, the better they can work with you to find ways to set goals and solve problems.
What not to expect
When talking about relationship counseling, I find that it is almost more important to talk about what not to expect more than what to expect. For example, one of the most essential things that couples should not expect is that they should not expect the counselor to take sides. I have found that many couples come in, especially after instances of infidelity, and they want the counselor to reprimand the offending party or justify the anger. While there may be instances where a counselor can help a person understand or see someone’s point of view, they will not be there to help make one side feel right while another side feels wrong. This is not the goal of efficient relationship counseling. Another thing to not expect is for the counselor to solve your problems for you. This is true for any type of counseling. Learning to communicate as a couple requires working together, not looking for someone to take sides or solve your problems for you. The other thing to not expect is for quick or easy solutions. Because it has usually taken a long time to come to counseling, the problems have many layers, and it will take a long time to get to the solutions.
What if I am too embarrassed?
One of the biggest barriers to effective relationship counseling is embarrassment when talking about difficult problems and personal situations. This is when it is essential to remember the confidential nature of the counseling relationship. Counselors are here to help and have had extensive training to provide guidance and support. As a non-biased third party, they do not have any connection to your friends and family and can just be a third pair of eyes. I tell the couples that I work with that I consider myself as someone who is just putting together a puzzle. The more pieces you give me, the clearer the picture gets. Once I get all the pieces from both partners, we can all put the puzzle together, then everyone can see the path clearly. That is when goals can be made, and solutions can be found.
In Conclusion
Relationship counseling is not simple. It takes a great deal of dedication, time, and effort. However, the results from the effort are undeniable. I have seen even some of the most dire situations become not only more comfortable, but absolutely happy as communication opens up and understanding becomes the foundation. Learning to manage expectations, make each other a priority, and build a better foundation is not a process that happens in one session, but it is a process that is possible. Many of the therapists at The Counseling Center have guided couples from all walks of life through that process. If you think that you might benefit from couples counseling, give us a call. We would love to help you navigate through this.