“To err is human,” we’re told, but we sometimes aren’t told how to move on after we’ve messed up – other than to feel lousy about it. Acts of commission or omission can haunt us and/or hold us back emotionally. First, if you struggle with this issue, it’s important for you to celebrate something good and important: your pain, guilt or shame means you’re probably not a sociopath. Sociopaths, who struggle with empathy and personal responsibility, tend to be rather unbothered by their mistakes. So, Congrats. This isn’t you; otherwise, you probably wouldn’t be reading this article.
Now that you’ve passed the sociopath test, the question still remains: how do we “own” our mistakes without them emotionally owning us? This article suggests three questions you can ask yourself. These questions can help you forgive yourself and ‘move on’ so the mistakes of your past do not contaminate the potential of your future.
Question #1: “Have I owned my part of the problem?”
Notice how the word ‘part’ is underlined. Psychological research suggests most problems are multi-determined. In other words, it usually takes ‘two (or more) to tango.’ It’s important to remember that admitting fault, apologizing or owning your part of the problem does not mean you have to necessarily own the whole thing. Sometimes people fail to admit wrongdoing because doing so feels like they have to accept complete responsibility. Yes; this may be necessary in some situations, but it’s not always the case. Saying you’re sorry for A, B, and C doesn’t mean you have to take ownership of D, E, and F (or the entire alphabet). You can make this clear when you apologize or make amends with others (see article on page 4). In this way, apologizing and taking responsibility can be very freeing.
A warning, however: don’t expect others to take responsibility for D, E, and F. Sometimes they will, of course, but this isn’t about that: it’s about freeing you – not guilting others into being similarly responsible.
Question #2: “What did I learn from my mistake(s)?”
If you are in the habit of taking responsibility for the entire alphabet, you might find it difficult to answer question #2. Hopefully, the answer to this question is productive and actionable. Not something like: “I learned that I suck, and that no one is trustworthy.” (Talk with your therapist if taking responsibility for the whole alphabet or making such over-generalized statements seem to be the ‘moral’ of your story.) Question #2 allows us to make sense of our pain. It allows us to adopt what psychological researchers, like Carol Dweck, refer to as a growth-based mindset. Yes; the pain and consequences of our mistakes may linger. But hopefully we’ll be able to harness that pain into a resolve, which will help us act differently the next time. This leads directly to the last question…
Question #3: “Am I currently striving to put what I’ve learned into practice?”
I like the word ‘striving’ because it doesn’t suggest perfection. Of course, we need to radically accept that we’re likely – depending on the mistake in question – to fail again and again. But, if we can dust ourselves off, learn, and strive again, then we demonstrate to ourselves (and sometimes to others) our growth and sincerity.
You’ve probably noticed these three questions aren’t simple, yes-no questions. Our answers will be on a continuum. However, if we can answer “mostly yes”, then we can legitimately ‘move on’ when a reminder of our past misdeeds comes back to haunt us. As mentioned before, we may still experience the repercussions of our actions (e.g., divorce, low trust, a legal record, job loss, etc…), but we can know that we’re learning or growing from our pain, and that we’ve put the pain to good use. You can consider the pain/ guilt/ self-doubt you experience as being similar to phantom-limb pain: the pain is real, but it’s related to something that is no longer serving you. It’s like an investment with a rapidly-diminishing rate-of-return: dwelling on it further is unlikely to serve you… or really anyone else.
But What if I Still Don’t Feel Better?
But what if you answer yes (or mostly yes) to the three questions above, and you still feel the same? Well, there are at least three possibilities. First, you may be holding on to the pain so that you don’t forget the lessons you’ve learned. While this may be helpful to a certain extent (once again… congrats on not being a sociopath), it may still be important to develop a mindfulness practice of acknowledging these lessons (see question #2) and redirecting your energy/ effort toward growth (see question #3). This may take ongoing practice and the assistance of a therapist. The second possibility? Your identity may have become fused with your mistake(s). “Who would I be without my guilt?,” some brave patients have asked me. To them, it seems scary to let go of their mistakes because they wouldn’t know who they’d be without them. (Hence the generalized “I suck” statement during question #2.) If this is you, know that you’re not alone, but talk frankly with your therapist about building an identity that is not just based on shame. A third possibility is that your pain, guilt or shame may be helping you avoid. After all, if I can occupy myself with guilt for something that I did in the past, then I may not have to face a fear in the present, like having a difficult conversation with someone or looking for a new job. Ask yourself the following question, “If I could remove this guilt from my past, is there a current fear that I would be tackling instead?” Be careful about this sneaky form of avoidance. I know from personal experience that throwing ourselves under the bus can seem downright honorable. Self-recrimination seems preferable to stepping out into the darkness of the unknown. Better the devil we know, right? …. even if that ‘devil’ is us.
Conclusion
Hopefully, the three questions provide us a permission structure so we can tap into self-compassion – the ultimate goal of self-forgiveness. (Sometimes, if we don’t have a permission structure like this, our shame won’t allow us to move on.) As you can probably tell, ‘letting go’ is not as simple as humming our favorite Disney tune. But with time and effort, we can learn from our past and hold ourselves accountable for it, while simultaneously redirecting ourselves toward a life worth living and a much brighter future.
Action Steps
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- When you experience a twinge of guilt or shame, first give yourself at least partial-credit for passing the sociopath test. Second, honestly ask yourself the three questions. If there is still some work to do, devote your energy to doing what needs to be done, rather than just beating yourself up – which might be a self-deprecating form of avoidance.
- If you can answer yes (or mostly yes) to the three questions, learn from your therapist how mindfulness can effectively redirect you toward self-compassion and what you can influence in the present.
- If you still harbor excessive guilt, talk with your therapist about the three possibilities mentioned in the second to last paragraph. Is there a reason why you feel compelled to excessively dwell on your mistakes?
Article by: Bryan Bushman, Ph.D.