It is never easy to watch someone we love have depressive symptoms. Whether it is mentally or physically, seeing someone go through challenges takes something out of us. When we are in the midst of watching someone cope with depression, the main question I get asked as a therapist is “What can I do to help?” None of us like to see the people we love in pain. The pain of depression is particularly hard because it is often suffered in silence and does not have a simple solution. While every situation is different, there are some things we can work on to make the situation better, and also things we can avoid to make sure we are providing the best love and care possible.
Listen
When a person is coping with depression, they need a good support system. This means they need someone who is willing to listen to them. You will likely struggle to understand much of what they are feeling. You may want to interrupt the things they are saying or try to give them advice on how they could live differently. The most important thing you can do is listen. Every case of depression is different. Every experience with depression is different. Even if you think you understand, you likely do not. Listening to the unique challenges that your loved one is going through will help them feel safe and able to move forward with the treatment or coping that they need to manage their depression. If you try and say something like “I know exactly what you are going through” or change the subject to a time when you felt depressed, you may miss important information about what is happening to the person you are concerned for.
Don’t judge
Most people with depression report feeling judged. They worry that they are seen as lazy, complaining, causing the problem themselves, or many other issues. When we are trying to support a loved one with depression, we need to be careful not to judge. If we see someone who is not cleaning their home like they used to, missing work or school, avoiding the things they love, or not keeping up with responsibilities, it might be easy to think they are lazy. However, this type of judgment will lead to strained relationships and challenges in recovery. Also, when a person feels judged, they are less likely to share or open up about their situation. Being willing to hear about the feelings and experiences of others without judgment will help them feel like they can be honest about their symptoms. Many deal with depression in silence because of the fear of judgment and misunderstanding.
Encourage treatment
It can be a scary thing to seek out treatment for depression. Being willing to meet with a stranger to talk about what is going on with your mind and body is not an easy thing. Considering medication can also be a scary road. Unfortunately, many people are discouraged from seeking treatment for many reasons. These reasons can range from misconceptions to cultural traditions to misunderstandings about medications or other treatments. Being an advocate for mental health treatment can go a long way to helping a person with depression. Sometimes all it takes is one positive voice to help a person be willing to seek the treatment they need.
Validate feelings
When I am working with clients, I am still surprised at the number of people who feel like they have to apologize for their depression. People worry that their depression is not important enough to be seen by me, or that they are a bother to me, or that other people may need my time more than they do. When I validate that the feeling of depression is real, and that it is okay to express their feelings, often it is the first time they have felt seen or heard. Do not diminish the feelings of depression that someone expresses to you. One question I am often asked is how to tell if someone who has depression is just attention-seeking? To this I will respond usually if someone is attention-seeking what they need is attention. It is okay to sit down with someone who is struggling with depression and hear their feelings and challenges. It is okay to reflect that they feel the challenge and that these struggles do not make them a bad person. Sometimes the feelings may not reflect what you expect. They may not express sadness. They may express feelings of numbness, or lack of caring, or loss of interest in things they used to love. It may be different than anything you have experienced before. You do not need to understand in order to listen.
Take care of yourself
Self-care is essential when we are dealing with loved ones who have depression or other mental illness. Getting our own therapy may be beneficial. Learning what things bring us joy or relaxation can be important as well. Learning the signs of depression will also help us understand if we are at risk ourselves and if the things we are witnessing are depression or perhaps something else. Staying educated is important. It is also important not to “internet diagnose.” If you suspect that someone you care about might have depression, of course you are going to be worried. Helping them see a competent medical professional will be the best way to make sure they have the best plan of action. There are many things that could be seen as depressive symptoms. Instead of trying to solve the problems yourself, helping a person find the right treatment program will be a better way to manage your own wellness as well as theirs.
Offer to help find resources
When a person is depressed, trying to find help is one of the most difficult tasks. If you are in a place where taking a shower or brushing your teeth is a major complication, looking for a therapist or making a doctor’s appointment feels insurmountable. If you can, offer to look through possible counselors. Work with your loved one to examine their insurance and find out what mental health coverage they have. Help them understand what medication their doctor is talking about. Offer to take them to the doctor or the counselor’s office. See if you can go on a walk, offer to help them with errands or chores. Sometimes even trying to be observant and notice what needs to be done, rather than asking can be a wonderful way to assist.
Don’t give up
Watching your loved one go through depression is overwhelming. You can feel helpless or powerless. It may seem like the words you say or the things that you do are not making a difference. Please do not give up. If you need to, seek therapy for yourself. Do the self-care talked about earlier in the article. Seek out a support system. Find others to help you in caring for your loved one with depression. Find ways to educate yourself about depression. Know that there are ways that you can continue to find help for you and your loved ones. Look at resources such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org) that offer support groups for individuals with mental illness and their families. There may be local resources as well. We at the Counseling Center are always willing to try and find a therapist that will be a good fit for you or the person you are concerned about in your life.