It can be a very difficult thing to make the decision to seek help in your marriage or relationship. While people seek counseling for many reasons, there is sadly still a lot of stigma about it. I have had couples share with me that while they are coming into counseling just to get help with a difficult health related situation, their extended family found out and were terrified that the couple was on the brink of divorce. However, even if they were, why should counseling be a bad thing? It is the fear of stigma, as well as the fear of not knowing what to expect that can often keep people away from couples counseling. Here is a little guide to tell you a few things about what you can expect, and what NOT to expect in a couples counseling experience.
History
Be prepared to give a personal history, and a history of your relationship. I tell my clients that I feel like I am trying to put together a puzzle or a picture of your life and relationship. When you tell me different things, it is like gathering new pieces. While I put the puzzle together, I can continue to look at the image, and look for holes, that you can help me fill in. Then we can all look at the image together, and see what might be missing, what has happened, and what might help to make the image more polished. Understanding your history helps build a better future. The more we talk about your history, the more we can build that future.
Communication
One of the most important things that is worked on in any relationship counseling session is communication. Usually, the main issue with any couple relationship challenge comes down to communication. So the first thing to expect when you come to a couples counseling session is to work on your communication skills. Whenever I have couples come in, we talk about communication. Even if they tell me that they feel like they are good at communicating, I tell them we need to work on it. There is always room for improvement. Also, we may feel like we are good at communicating, but what does that really mean? Sometimes, when we feel like we have communicated something well, the other party may not understand at all. It is important to understand that we all come from varied backgrounds and experiences. Even if you grew up in the same neighborhood, your home life was different. Your family handled things differently. I work with couples to help them learn about their individual communication styles, their styles as a couple, and ways that they can improve. I then help them see if they have ways they are communicating as a family that are in need of adjustment.
Self-Improvement
Many times we come into couples counseling really frustrated with the other person. However, it is vital to understand that it truly takes two in the majority of cases. Unless there is a clear indication of abuse, there is not going to be a situation where only one person needs to make a change. This is where I can state something that couples counseling is not. Sometimes, I have couples come in and want to share their story with a hope that I will pick one side. A counselor is not meant to be a judge or jury. I often tell a couple that my client in a couples’ counseling session is the relationship. I am there to advocate for what is best for the relationship, not to tell one party they are right and one party they are wrong. Having said that, if one of the members of the party is unwilling to work toward change or improvement, it does make it a lot harder to see progress, and it can make it a lot less likely that couples counseling will be successful.
Homework
Couples counseling takes work, and most of it happens outside of session. Many times, I will assign people books to read or things to work on outside of session, and the couples that thrive are the ones that are willing to take these assignments seriously. It is already a time commitment to go to therapy. Taking the time to also read books, go on dates, or do other things to strengthen relationships often feels like it is too much for people. However, relationships take work. We spend a lot of time making our physical bodies stronger. We spend a lot of time working on projects at work. We even spend a lot of time on our hobbies. Yet, when we are asked to focus on our relationships, we tend to feel like it is too much to ask. I have even had couples say that it feels like it takes away some of the joy and spontaneity of a relationship. While there may be some truth to the romance in spontaneousness, strong relationships take a great deal of work. Being willing to focus on work in a relationship seems to be less in fashion than it is with work, school, or other endeavors, yet relationships should be the most important things in our lives.
Personalized Experience
One thing that is important to remember about couples counseling, and indeed any counseling experience, is that it is a personal experience. Just because you had a family member who experienced a specific thing in a counseling session, good or bad, that does not mean the same thing will happen to you. Your counseling experience should fit your life needs. You will need to search out a therapist that fits your needs, and you will want them to work with you and your partner to find the treatment that best suits your situation. There are many different family and couples counseling methods. There are many books, workbooks, and ways that you can learn and study about how to best work on the challenges and situations that you are facing. Perhaps the person that told you about counseling was facing infidelity, but you are facing parenting issues. Those two experiences are very different and will be dealt with in very different ways in the counseling environment. Because no two situations are the same, no two counseling experiences will be the same either.
Conclusion
Couples Counseling can be a nerve-wracking experience, but it can also be a good way to improve your relationship and help you build a better, stronger, and happier life with your partner. Working with a competent counselor, you can find better ways to communicate, build on your own self-improvement, and work to have a stronger foundation. If you feel like it is time to take the step to look into couples counseling, contact us at the Counseling Center. We have several counselors to choose from who can help you work through any number of situations. Hopefully this has shed some light on what you might expect when you seek out couples counseling. If you have more thoughts or questions, give us a call and we will be happy to assist you further.